What does it feel like when treatment is nearly done? Well for me it’s a whole bag of mixed emotions. For one I am excited and happy to not have to feel like crap for 5-7 days every three weeks, but then there is this other side of me that feels unsure, overwhelmed and anxiously excited to do so many things. My life has been a series of plans from the day I was diagnosed and up until June 29th when I’m finally finished with Chemo. Yes I still have my exchange surgery to look forward to but life after that, jeez I just don’t know. In all honesty the best way I can describe it is that I’ve been asleep for 30 years and now all of a sudden I’m awake. I have this new perspective knowing that life is too short and precious, which means I have a long LONG list of things I want to do, see, and be. How does one handle all of these emotions and a mish-mosh of a bucket list? Sigh, I wish I had the answer but what I am going to try to do is take it one step at a time, and be sound in all that I have achieved up to this point and everyday forward….
It’s a strange feeling having your life so planned out. The doctors, nurses and receptionists at MSK have been ON POINT from the second I stepped foot into their facilities. They’ve made it easy for me to not really think about what’s next. First going through surgery and having a set recovery plan, going directly into fertility preservation measures where literally every day has a plan and then immediately into back to back treatments. It’s like a timer, knowing every three weeks you’re going in, feeling like crap for a week and once you start to feel better, boom you have to go back into treatment again. It’s been a long 9 months of constant plans. I still have my surgery coming up in August which will require another recovery schedule but after that….the skies the limit right? My answer to that is, I really don’t know.
What I’m working on is accepting the unknowns in life. Not everything needs to be planned out and I don’t have control over the future, whatever happens will happen. I can only do my best and be the most me I can be within the moments I have right now. Cancer has taught me this more than any other life experience could. If you’re struggling with the unknowns in life and being anxious about what your future holds or ruminating on what you’ve done in the past, take a second to stop yourself, breathe deep and remember we are not fortune tellers, and we don’t have time machines (yet!). What happened happened, and what is going to happen will happen, and we don’t have control over a lot of the things that occur and that’s ok! It’s part of the beauty of life, there is so much contrast, unpredictability, and we as human can adapt in more ways than we know we are capable of. Feelings are fleetings, actions are ever changing, but focusing on the present and how we behave, react, and interact with the world and people around us in real time is what I think really matters. I’m sure I sound very preachy and maybe a tad on the bubbly cheerleader side, but it’s how I choose to feel and I wanted to share it with whomever wants to read. I hope this helps inspire and maybe some shift thoughts into positives. However, everyone’s life experience is different, and I am in no way discounting hardships and tough times. What I’m actually saying is to embrace those too! Everyone has struggles, highs and lows, it’s what we make of them that counts.
As for me, right now I’m focusing on my health as my number one priority, and taking that journey day by day. Once I finish up with treatments I am going to a few natural holistic doctors to get tips on complimentary therapy to build my body back up and be stronger than ever! I’m very excited about that. I plan to be thankful for every day, no matter if it’s a good or bad, its being alive that is the most special. I plan to continue working on being as kind to myself as possible and encourage my mind and body to do what it needs in order to heal. Coming from someone who was SO hard on themselves before, I am incredibly thankful to have this shift in perception about myself. I am for once in my life proud of my body and my mind, and that is beyond priceless. So as you’re finishing reading this, give yourself a pat on the back. You deserve it. Try to not put yourself down today, and look yourself in the mirror and say “I’m proud of you”.
Thank you all again for following along with me! I will keep you updated as my life progresses after Cancer. Love you all..